When You Struggle to Like Certain People in Your Local Church

Does This Mean You’re Not Saved—or Not Growing in Holiness?

If you’ve been part of a local church for any length of time, you’ve likely encountered this tension: you love the body of Christ, but some people in it are very hard to like. Perhaps they’ve sinned against you. Perhaps they seem spiritually immature—or even spiritually fake. Maybe they’re simply abrasive or difficult to be around.

Does this struggle mean you’re not saved? Does it mean you’re not progressing in sanctification? Is it sinful to feel this way?

Let’s turn to Scripture, consider the lives of real Christians in history, and see how Christ shepherds His church.

1. Salvation Is Rooted in Christ, Not in Relational Ease

The gospel declares:

“By grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God—not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2:8–9)

Your standing before God does not depend on how naturally you get along with fellow believers. Even the apostle Paul had sharp relational conflicts. In Acts 15:36–40, Paul and Barnabas—two Spirit-filled missionaries—disagreed so strongly about whether to take John Mark on their next journey that they parted ways. Neither man lost his salvation; both continued faithfully serving Christ. Their conflict simply showed that even godly people can clash.

This shows that friction with other believers—while unpleasant—does not automatically prove you are unsaved. It proves you are human, still being sanctified.

2. Sanctification Produces Love, but Love Isn’t the Same as Liking Everyone

Christ commands His people to love one another (John 13:34–35). But biblical love is not merely warm affection. It’s a Spirit-wrought commitment to seek another’s good—even when personalities clash or trust has been damaged.

You may not enjoy every member’s company. You may need to guard yourself against those who have proven untrustworthy. But if you pray for them, refuse to retaliate, and desire their good in Christ, you are walking in real love.

It is also right to pray that those who prove to be false believers will either be converted by God’s grace or removed from the fellowship so they no longer harm the church (Matthew 15:13; Acts 5:1–11; Psalm 139:23–24). This is not a prayer of personal vengeance but of holy concern for the purity and unity of Christ’s body.

3. Historical Examples of Godly Believers Who Struggled with People

A.W. Pink (1886–1952) – The author of The Sovereignty of God and The Attributes of God was a faithful preacher and writer, but he became disillusioned with the spiritual state of churches in his day. He felt many churches compromised truth and tolerated false converts. Convinced that modern Christianity was worldly and shallow, Pink withdrew from pastoral ministry and spent his later years in seclusion in Scotland, ministering almost exclusively through books and correspondence. His life reminds us that true Christians can struggle deeply with the visible church even while genuinely loving Christ and His truth.

Martyn Lloyd-Jones (1899–1981) – The famous Welsh preacher deeply loved the church and the gospel, but he was uncompromising in doctrine and at times sharply critical of those who diluted biblical truth. While not harsh in spirit, his firmness created tension with other leaders. This shows that standing for truth and loving people does not always result in relational harmony.

These men were not unsaved or unholy simply because they experienced friction. Like all of us, they were works in progress.

4. Biblical Examples of Tension Among Believers

Paul and Barnabas (Acts 15:36–39): Paul thought John Mark was unreliable because he had abandoned them on a previous mission (Acts 13:13). Barnabas, ever the encourager, wanted to give Mark another chance. Their disagreement became so sharp that they went separate ways—Paul taking Silas, Barnabas taking Mark. Both men loved Christ, but they saw the situation differently.

• Application: Even godly people sometimes must part ways in ministry. This doesn’t always mean sin is involved—it may simply reflect differing convictions or priorities.

John Mark’s Restoration (2 Timothy 4:11): Years later, Paul tells Timothy, “Get Mark and bring him with you, for he is very useful to me for ministry.” This shows reconciliation and growth are possible. John Mark was not cast off forever; he matured, and Paul’s view of him changed.

• Application: People can change. Don’t write someone off permanently because of past failure—God may still use them greatly.

Paul and the Corinthians (2 Corinthians): The apostle deeply loved this church, yet it was filled with pride, immorality, and false accusations. His letters show anguish, not hatred. He pleaded for their repentance and warned against false apostles among them (2 Corinthians 11:13).

• Application: Loving the church sometimes means speaking hard truths. True affection seeks holiness, not superficial peace.

Euodia and Syntyche (Philippians 4:2): Both women served the gospel, yet they couldn’t agree. Paul didn’t question their salvation; he exhorted them to reconcile.

• Application: Believers can have real conflict without forfeiting salvation. Unity requires humility and help from others in the church.

In every case, relational tension was real, but God used it to humble His people, teach patience, and magnify grace. The answer was not abandoning the church but pursuing grace, truth, and patient correction.

5. When Dislike Becomes Sin

It is not necessarily sinful to feel a lack of affection for someone, but it is sinful to nurture bitterness, gossip, or malice. Scripture warns:

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.” (Ephesians 4:31)

• “See to it that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble.” (Hebrews 12:15)

If you find bitterness growing, confess it quickly and ask the Spirit to renew your heart.

6. How God Uses Preaching, Shepherding, and Discipline to Preserve Unity

The Lord has not left His church without means to address persistent conflict or hypocrisy:

• Faithful Preaching exposes sin, calls for repentance, and strengthens true believers to walk in love (2 Timothy 4:2).

• Effective Pastoring provides personal care and wise counsel, helping wounded relationships heal (1 Peter 5:2–3). Pastors must also guard against tolerating false Christians who persist in divisiveness or error. When such people remain unchecked, they corrupt the flock (Acts 20:28–30; Titus 3:10–11).

• Church Discipline—applied biblically and lovingly (Matthew 18:15–17)—weeds out unrepentant unbelievers and corrects straying believers. Far from being harsh, discipline protects the church’s witness and restores unity by dealing directly with sin.

When leaders shepherd well and the Word is preached faithfully, those who cause division are either humbled to repentance or removed, while the faithful are strengthened to love and serve one another.

7. How to Grow Through These Struggles

1. Examine Yourself Without Condemning Yourself. If you see sin—repent! But don’t assume every relational tension means you’re unsaved.

2. Remember God’s Grace to You. You’ve been hard to love too. Christ loved you at your worst. (Romans 5:8)

3. Pray for Those You Struggle With. Prayer softens your heart and aligns it with God’s will.

4. Pursue Peace Without Pretending. You don’t have to fake friendship, but you must show kindness and humility. (Romans 12:18)

5. Trust Christ to Build His Church. He uses preaching, shepherding, and discipline to purify His people and unite them in the truth.

Final Word

Struggling to like certain church members does not mean you’re unsaved, nor does it necessarily mean you’re failing in sanctification. It means you’re human, and God is still at work in you. The issue is not whether you feel natural affection for everyone, but whether you walk in Spirit-driven love.

When Jesus said, “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34), He spoke to disciples who often irritated each other—men who argued about who was greatest, who misunderstood His mission, and who deserted Him in His darkest hour. Yet He loved them to the end.

Christ loved His disciples—men who misunderstood Him, argued among themselves, and abandoned Him in His darkest hour. If He loved them to the end (John 13:1), He can empower you to love even the most difficult brother or sister—not by your strength, but by His Spirit.